some days are tough. sometimes, weeks and months meld into a sticky haze with no defined borders. endless tasks pile into dusty to-do lists, with only the “postpone until tomorrow” button worn down. I used to write to express the thoughts that swirled in my brain but that could not truly be expressed in my work, or that sank down in importance when happy events took over. giving time to these thoughts helped them to form into opinions, to embody ill-defined and difficult emotions, to support my quest to be a better doctor, a better researcher, a better person. they were the questions without simple responses, those that needed time and thoughfulness to produce a path through the brambleweed of “process” to the clarity of enlightenment.
and then, when I began my most difficult job, and the most demanding time in my life, I abruptly stopped writing. this place, these blog posts, have lain dormant for 2 years. I almost put an “almost” in there, but went back and left it at the stark reality. 2 years. Not almost, but truly.
In the same way that I attempt to de-clutter the wordiness of my writing, I hope that my return to writing will help to clear the roadblocks in my mind, to help me focus, and to leave dedicated time to move forward in my work and in my life.
in the past 2 years, i’ve changed cities, institutions and tiers in my career. my little family has grown, and with it, the capacity for immense love, an elevated responsibility and so much more of the unknown to fear, but also to celebrate. I have done what I always wanted to do – to attempt to balance a full-time career with a more than full-time family – and have found it to be the most difficult thing that I have ever faced. I have also lost important people, whose essence permeates everything that I do, and whose legacy I wish to carry on in some small part.
I will write differently going forward. Not to the end of sharing a finished piece of work, but in order to help me to both dream a better reality, and to chip away at the small steps that reality dictates are necessary to reach that dream. starting today.